A love that heals

     We often feel giddy when someone mentions about 'Love'. Perhaps, someone came across in your mind while reading this. Or maybe you can't help but smile when you remember some memories but suddenly felt low when you're reminded of the painful ones. Whatever it may be, rest in the thought that God loves you even in your bare and darkest moments.

    I've been longing to write for the past weeks and honestly don't know how to start. I know in my heart there is so much feels from within and thought I wanted to write but I don't have the energy to do so.

    But what happened this week pushed me to write again. I smiled bitterly at the thought that I can write most when I'm feeling low and not much on the happy ones. And this platform had been my opportunity to burst it out because I can't contain it anymore. So if you know me and by any chance read this, please keep it a secret! Okay? Okay. :) (TFIOS? hahaha)

So here it goes...

    I've been praying to God about this person since last year, before my birthday. I barely know him before then and  I just had the chance to talk to him on that uwian and when we were paired up in a development project. At first, I don't feel anything at all. But as time goes by, I realized my heart wasn't even that guarded. The casual late night talks, that almost 5 AM overtime, the moments of becoming a human diary and sharing of ideas have paved the way to this emerging feeling that  I have. I just thought maybe he feels the same due to his actions, that maybe there's this glimpse of hope towards these mixed feelings of confusion and all.

    I prayed and asked God for a sign but it never came. Suddenly, I found the circumstances proving that maybe I was wrong of that notion. The idea of that someone mutually liking me. And cried too hard and asked God again to give me clarity because I was so confused. Every night, I caught myself wondering if there's lacking in me or was I not desirable to be pursued? I felt so low on those times.

Fast forward, after 8 months. 

    I don't know where I gathered all the guts to define and put clarity on these thoughts in my head. I finally had the  courage to asked this person for clarity. And yes, all those nights that I'm trying to doze myself to sleep from crying confirmed it all. I was wrong. It was once again one-sided and unrequited. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I've waited for a response that night but received none. My brain cells kept me almost awake that night, trying to find answers for so long. The following day, I smiled bitterly when the message pop on my screen, it's as if my breath depends on it. It's too painful and too direct not to understand it all. It was not me. He was just being 'friendly'. (I should have known.)

    I found myself caught up in a cage once again. The idea of not being chosen hurts so bad. But I had to move on. I know no matter how painful it is, I will get through this. And if you are on the same shoes right now, I would want to remind you how lovable you are as a person and as a daughter of God. There is more to life than lovelife. You are a wonderful creation and not being chosen by someone doesn't nullify the fact that Someone loves you very much, so so much that He's willing to die for you.

I hope and pray that God's perfect time, you'll heal once again and be reminded how He has carried you all along. 

- still hurts tho hahahahahaha. Hello R! (nyarks as if you'll be able to read this.)

PS: Nevermind the typo and the grammar. I guess ganito po talaga pag nagfflow yung words sa isip at puso mo lalo pag malungkot ka hahaha.

love,

girloncactus